i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
whose ass print is on the piano?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
