i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
