i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
