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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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