If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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