Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
