dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
