Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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