The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
