i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
