it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
