I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
