Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
