I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
