My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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