he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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