wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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