So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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