The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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