Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
