Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
