Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh god it's open bar.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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