Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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