i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
