When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
