im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
