I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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