did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
