I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
