my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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