You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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