whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you had me at cake vodka
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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