Will you blow on my dice?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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