I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
