I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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