my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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