I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
