What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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