Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
