The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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