It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
