just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize