Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
