Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
