my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Bring me that man meat
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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