Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize