My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
