i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
