I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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