video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
