Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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