Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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