i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize