WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
