i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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