I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
