if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
