This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
