I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
