Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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