My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
